My phone rang at 2 a.m., and the voice on the other end was desperate.
“Pastor,” the man groaned. “I’m going to end it all. I left the door unlocked. I want you to come take care of my remains.”
It was in the early 1990s and, although he didn’t attend the church I served, when you’re the only minister in a town of 400 souls, everyone calls you in an emergency.
I ran out of the house assuming I’d go into a real mess. However, when I burst through the front door, he was holding a .357 against his head, pleading with me to give him a reason not to pull the trigger. Fortunately, I had been trained in suicide prevention and was taught that giving someone like that five minutes of hope can actually save their lives; they don’t believe life can ever be better.
Recently, I’ve been fielding calls from some of my farming and ranching friends who just want to talk. While I’m no longer a pastor – and haven’t been one for 20 years – people seem to know they can call me and that I will listen and pray with them on the phone.
Although farmers and ranchers are the most hopeful people I know, sometimes their hopefulness turns into hopelessness.
I know of no other profession where a seeming friend can turn into an adversary like farming. One on hand, Mother Nature can help them grow crops with great harvests, then, she can wipe out an entire crop, or their farm, with a ferocious storm.
The same is true of the government; it can be a farmers’ best friend or their worst nightmare.
Then, there seems to be new types of bugs and diseases that pop up out of nowhere and threaten their entire livelihood. Or they can’t find adequate labor to do the work a farm requires, or interest rates skyrocket.
In addition, agriculturists are subject to market prices entirely out of their control. That crop they planted, those animals they raise for meat take a long time from infancy to harvest and, in that time, prices of the final harvest will most likely be impacted by what happens in a foreign country because international trade is an important sector of the industry.
On top of all that comes the activists, sometimes even agri-terrorists, who want to convince you that farmers are killing you or that cows are the cause of global warming because they belch too much. This accusation, of course, comes from people who fly private jets to climate change conferences so they can blame farmers. In the small country of Norway, farmers will soon start paying taxes on each head of cattle because they are claiming cows belch too much.
As time goes on, the increasing number of farmers who grow hopeless is increasing. But they aren’t about to let you see them struggle because farmers and ranchers are tough individuals. However, some of them are starting to lose the battle.
While this all falls under the complex umbrella of mental health with increasing access to well-trained professionals who can help, I’ll quickly admit I am not one of those wonderful people.
However, I write this for those of you who are like me, a friend, a neighbor, a family member, a pastor or even an early morning coffee- drinking crowd at the local diner to help you recognize and have the hard conversations with people you know.
While I do admit I am not a mental health professional, I learned how to have hard conversations with struggling people while serving as a minister for two decades, and I want to share these lessons with you. While it’s hard to start the conversations, I’ve learned to push through that initial fear because I know that hard question is the beginning to help them see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Deliberately Make The Right Time & Place Happen
If you suspect someone is struggling, be deliberate about making the right time happen to have the conversation. Maybe it’s a drive in the country, a cup of coffee in a private corner of a donut shop, a handwritten note or a phone call when you know they have time.
Acknowledge Their Accomplishments
People who are struggling with depression and hopelessness often feel like they have failed at everything in life. It’s important to assure them you recognize their value.
Admit There Is An Elephant In The Room I learned to be both kind and candid in conversations by letting people know I recognized their struggles and believe they want to talk about it, but don’t know where to begin.
Ask The Hard Questions Are you afraid? Do you feel like you’ve lost control over certain parts of your life? Do you sometimes feel the world would be better off without you? Do you feel like you’re running out of hope? Would it be OK if I found a professional to help you sort all this out?
I have been consistently surprised at how those simple questions open the floodgates for people to talk.
Avoid Clichés & Platitudes Carefully refrain from mindless quotes like, “Just cheer up, things will get better,” or “Look around you at all the blessings and be more grateful.” While it might seem like good advice, it often causes more pain.
Let Them Know Their Struggle Is OK When a person is struggling, they sense quickly if they are being considered weak and they will clam up almost immediately. Statements like this work much better than platitudes, “Yes, I can see why you’re struggling, and you have a right to feel that way.”
Find Them Professional Help
When it comes to people I know who are struggling, I see myself as someone who begins to hold their hand to lead them to professional help. Committing to that person that you are in it with them for the long haul helps them overcome their feelings of loneliness and fear.
Be The Beacon Of Hope During my time as a minister, I was trained in suicide prevention and one of the most valuable lessons I learned and practiced on various occasions was to provide someone with five minutes of hope, then turn it into 10, then 30, then a day, then a week, etc.
If you have a friend or family member who is struggling, perhaps you can be the person who has the hard conversations to begin their journey on a new pathway of hope.
For further reading, here is a great article by Sheridan Wimmer: https://kansaslivingmagazine. com/ articles/2022/11/09/mentalhealth- matters-in-ruralkansas- communities
